Nothing Missing, Nothing Broken (part 2) Your Emotional Self
Some tables are just for eating. Others hold the weight of your whole life.
I’ve had some of my most life-changing moments while sitting at a table.
I signed my marriage license at a table. I met my oldest son, who was seven at the time, at a sticky Burger King play place table. I sat at a massive conference table and signed a mountain of papers when Andrew and I bought our home, and three more times when we adopted each of our children.
Truthfully, tables are more than furniture. Even the ones we eat at hold the memories of hundreds (maybe thousands) of deep conversations, late-night belly laughs, and weekend game nights. They’ve been the place where promises are made, lives are changed, and stories begin.
A Table Built for Shalom
In the first post of this series, I shared how each of us is made up of four main parts, like a table with four legs. When one leg is broken or even slightly off balance, the whole table wobbles at best… and can come crashing down at worst.
This whole series is called Nothing Missing, Nothing Broken, a phrase that reflects the Hebrew idea of shalom, wholeness, peace, and well-being in every part of who we are. Shalom isn’t just the absence of conflict, it’s the presence of completeness. That’s why we’re taking the time to look at each “leg” of the table, physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual, so we have nothing missing or broken in any part of us.
Part one focused on the physical “leg” of our table. Today, in part two, we’re pulling up a chair to talk about the emotional part, the part that, if left unchecked, can end up driving our reactions, defining our relationships, and influencing more than we realize.
A Delicate Interweaving
Because we are intricately designed and beautifully interconnected, it’s common to get some of our parts confused with each other. For example, I have seen many people confuse their mind (or mental part of themselves) with their emotions. One way I see this happen is when people allow their thoughts about themselves or a situation to control and dominate how they feel and even react. Without properly identifying these two parts of ourselves we can easily be emotionally manipulated by our own thoughts, and maybe even thoughts implanted by others.
Here’s what it can look like in real life:
A student with dyslexia who consistently calls themselves “stupid”: feeling embarrassed, angry, and defeated in the classroom.
A woman carrying extra weight who hates how she looks in the mirror and thinks, “I can’t believe how huge I am. I am so gross”: feeling worthless, ashamed, and hopeless about ever changing.
A man passed over for a promotion who sees disappointment in his wife’s eyes and tells himself, “Gosh, I am a failure. My wife even knows it”: feeling rejected, inadequate, and unmotivated to try again.
These examples show how our thoughts have a major influence over our emotional state, but they are not the same thing. As a counselor, one might assume I spend the majority of my time with clients addressing their emotional part, but I honestly do not. I explain emotions to my clients like this: your thoughts are the engine in a train, but your emotions are the caboose. Your emotions will follow how you think.
Tiny Voices in the Rearview
Our emotions are data for us. They are important to pay attention to because they often reveal things we may not even realize about ourselves. However, our emotions are like children in the car during a road trip. Would you let the 6-year-old drive the car? How about tell you exactly where to go, or even how to drive? No, but do we completely ignore our 6-year-olds? Of course not. If they are saying, “I have to use the bathroom right now!” We better pay attention and find a rest stop as soon as possible! In the same way, we should listen to our emotions, but we cannot allow them to “drive” our actions, reactions, and relationships.
Being emotionally healthy does not mean being happy all the time. It often means being able to properly name how you feel, understand why you’re feeling it, and choose how you will respond instead of reacting impulsively. Another major sign of emotional health is recognizing when your emotions don’t align with the truth, and then taking steps to calm down and wait for the emotional wave to pass.
Trading Impulse for Intention
I teach my children and teen clients the difference between reacting and responding. A reaction is impulsive, fueled by emotion, often causes regret, and can damage relationships. Responding, on the other hand, means taking a moment to name your emotion, choosing not to let it control your actions, and considering the consequences before speaking or acting. The healthier you are emotionally, the more naturally you will respond instead of react.
Our emotions are a gift from God. All three parts of the Godhead demonstrate emotions in the Bible, they are part of our original design, but they are signals to understand and pay attention to, not steering wheels or engines to the train.
As you read this blog, did you recognize areas in your life you are allowing your emotions to control you? Or areas you react (often regretting it) instead of pausing to respond with wisdom? My challenge to you this week is to try to name exactly what you’re feeling, why you’re feeling it, and pause to respond to situations instead of react.
Storming Out and Growing Up
I’ve had some explosive emotional moments at the tables of my life, too. I’m laughing as I write this, remembering the time I freaked out over a game of Catan at my friend’s table and actually stormed out of her house. (If you’ve played Catan, you understand!) That was before a lot of healing and before grad school, of course. Not to say I still don’t feel a wave of emotions when I lose at games now and again… (I definitely do).
However, our emotional self is only the second leg to our table.
I hope you’ll join me for Part 3 as we explore the mental part of our table, the engine that powers so much of our lives. In the meantime, may God give you true Shalom in your emotions.
